The Status is Not Quo

Oh look, another post

2015-10-29T17:29:53Z

I'm writing a post. I need to write something, just to be writing. I'm working on deadlines and that's ... good, but I'm also so damn distracted. I feel overwhelmed by the housework. As one does when one has other things one ought to be doing. I think this is part of life -- being overwhelmed by daily tasks.

People who know me, know already. But my father passed away. No in depth details here, but it was sudden, a quick but brutal cancer, and my summer was consumed with this -- associated worry, and much time spent in California being there for my mom and dad and brother. Everything was turned on its head and things that were once important became specks on the horizon.

I joined the Small Fandom Exchange and have I written my fic yet? No. No, I have not. But I have two days and remember, I work better under deadline. *snerk snerk*

I'm tempted to write about my dating/sex life, as it's oftentimes HILARIOUS and weird, and sometimes even awful, but I don't have the energy right now. Needless to say. Some men are horrid and weird and totally out of touch with themselves and have no sense of propriety. I want to shout at them "feminism! Look it up! What you're saying is not cool!"

How are you all? Is anyone out there? <3

comments

Snippets of stuff from a former life.

2015-09-30T19:06:39Z

You know when you're going through old papers because the cats peed on them, and you're very visibly downsizing and clearing out your home and you come across pages and pages of neatly written fan-smut?

Yeah, that's it. That's the sort of day I'm having. Feels good to throw things out, but I wonder where that writer-person went.

Also, why did I record these snippets? ...

David Remnick on Wilson and Nabakov, 11-07-05 The New Yorker
"Wilson was bemused by many of Nabakov's literary judgments, his disdain for Mann's 'asinine' Death in Venice, Pasternak's 'vilely written' Dr. Zhivago, Faulkner's 'corncobby chronicles' -- anything that smacked of journalese, local color, big ideas, or political propaganda."

you're never more
than 2x4
on a two dimensional plane
still i worship you
after that one time
i saw you after hours in the rain
let's not quantify it
it's neither here nor there
i don't hold a grudge
i promise not to touch
if you'll only let me stare

"If it happens every day it must be written about every day." -Samantha Power, Genocide, Atrocity, Rape

"So today we're faced with a terrible paradox; modern technology allows us to witness remote large-scale suffering but our minds simply lack the capability to comprehend it." -Narrator, Reporter

... and so on. It seems that I was obsessed with certain ideas and did I even write that poem thing? I always try to remind myself about what I'm writing, but sometimes I don't. Most of what I found was Rodney/John stuff from the SGA days. Hardly compelling reading now, but I was sure passionate about it.

That's it for now.

comments

Dear Author Letter (Small Fandom Exchange)

2015-08-22T05:51:17Z

Dear Author:

I'm not picky. I'm glad you like these fandoms and I'm honored to participate in this exchange. I find I enjoy long walks through the show's atmosphere, metaphors about love and life, and hot, hot sex. I like characters in bars drinking, characters doing something out of character (and the repercussions) and characters tripping out.

Only use the above as inspiration, because as I've said - I'm not picky. I am guaranteed to love it. You might even say I'm easy. ;)

Feel free to drop an anonymous note if you want further elucidation and/or prompts. Hooray!

comments

Brain dump of sorts.

2015-08-05T17:39:27Z

Me again.

I'm having trouble focusing and it's likely because I'm not really dealing with the "dad has cancer" issue. But I think I am, but yet I have all the symptoms of massive anxiety that are kind of pulling me in all directions. I have to get a job, so why am I sitting here, not following up with people, not applying, just... fucking sitting here?

So this post is a sort of brain dump, Artist's-Way-Morning-Pages type of thing. If I can write, anything -- then I'm not such a useless piece of dust matter.

I woke up today with two cats lying in my arms and that was nice. They were sleeping and purring and in no hurry to wake and move. :) I am less involved in cat rescue than I was.... still up to my ears in semi-adoptable adult cats, but that's another story (anyone want a cat?). I'm trying to be an adult with an adult apartment and that isn't going so well. I think part of living in NYC is giving up the dream of a new, neat, perfect house with 2.5 whatevers. But hey, NEW YORK CITY is right outside my window. That's something.

My ex got a new tattoo. All throughout our marriage he thought his tattoo was a waste, a hasty act of rebellion at 17 in Tel Aviv. OK so this tattoo? It is HIDEOUS. I wish I could upload a picture. It's a yin-yang with leopard spots and tiger stripes. He's into the big cat rescue movement (hm.. his own form of rebellion against my domestic cat rescue? Methinks so). It's huge and it's really kind of ... well, not one of your more attractive tattoos. On his forearm. It's like I don't even know him. And you know what? I don't. I really don't.

A friend wrote this comedy short film with some major actors (Stephen Root, Jane Lynch), and it's quite funny: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MW9ogmz0HRM

That's what I love about NYC. You always meet people with passionate projects and ideas and things going on. I directed three short plays... I mean, who does that? Out of the blue? It's just fun. Next stop: well JOB, ffs, and a short film. I really want to do that. A lot.

What are you guys thinking these days? (I'm interactive!)

comments

Am I dead?

2015-08-03T17:49:51Z

Hello there. Been a long time.

I've been on some roller coaster ride! Battling demons (depression), recovering from the Brit-dump (dudes suck), having some horrid dating experiences (men suck), feeling tired (depression sucks), and trying to get my LIFE together, as usual.

Also my father is ill and I spent three weeks in California with the family -- may go back again. One thing about getting older is the parents do too, and it hits you in the face that you won't always have them. (Life sucks).

READING: The Bone Clocks by David Mitchell
I love David Mitchell, so pretty much anything he does is bound to hit me where I live and be enjoyable to me. So, yeah.

WATCHING: Just finished Sense8. I gave it three tries and the first two I could not even remotely get into it. I was expecting something else and it just didn't jive with my expectations (whatever those were). Finally I read no_detective's rave review HERE. She is SO RIGHT. Like, the rightest.

Sense8 is genre x 2. It has all those little odes to genre that we love, and it has a deep sense of satisfaction in twists, turns, chases, heart-thumping near-misses, UST, LGBTQ love, and happy endings. I loved every character, even the one with questionable morals, and loved all the acting. Yes, I loved it.

More Netflix: Now I'm watching the guy from Sense8 (Miguel Angel Silvestre) in a Spanish "telenovela" of sorts: Velvet. It's that sort of thing you mainline from the get-go and can't stop watching even whilst rolling your eyes.

Also watching: Humans, Teen Wolf, True Detective (with a squint), and the new sci fi show Dark Matter, by some of those same numbskulls that brought you Stargate. Therefore there is a mandatory cameo by David Hewlett. Um... yay?

How are you all? <3

comments

alizarin_nyc @ 2015-04-07T11:34:00

2015-04-07T15:57:16Z

There is a lot going on with me. I'm doing this thing -- processing -- which sounds either like I'm a computer or it's some new-agey, therapy thing. But it's helpful. Turning over the earth rather than packing it down. Assessing how I feel at any point... assessing why I feel bad when I do... but also if I check in with myself and I feel happy or content, I encourage myself to ride that wave.

Growth. It hurts. But the alternative was worse. Way worse. Communication has been key. Admitting my faults and fears to a close therapist (who lives in LA), on a daily basis has helped. It's a support system that took time to build and includes various people as well as the therapist. The black hole is less terrifying when there's a net beneath me. My friends are also crucial, although I try not to dump too much on one person, but really spread it out! And then in turn, try to be there for them in whatever way they need.

As I've mentioned previously the depression seems to have lifted. The reason I know this is because I can get out of bed in the AM hours! I get up at 10 and sit at my desk, writing and looking for work and mostly networking. THIS IS AMAZING, LET ME TELL YOU. I have not had this in years. Later in the afternoon I sometimes have doctor's appointments, gym appointment, or dinner/early drinks plans/dates. So it's a cushy life, if you consider that this is way more than I've been able to do in years.

If anyone wants to talk about depression offline, contact me or let me know! Knowledge is power, misery loves company, support groups and friends are crucial.

That's it on that subject. More on dating / TV / shiny things to come.

comments

Oh hi, I just have a job-searching rant

2015-04-06T00:18:43Z

I look for and at jobs. All the time. I'm looking for work but I don't really believe I'll find it on the job boards or by sending my resume into that black hole... plus a shit-ton of personal information, plus my "previous employment," not apparent I guess, by my resume! Every job app takes hours in this manner - so it's a 1 job/3 hour ratio which is really irrational when you never ever get a job this way.

The lists of what is "required" is always silly to the point of being obscene. I know that we all have to be one-man-bands (what about women?) these days, but there are some things that one makes a career out of (stop motion animation, for example), that should not be required of someone who say, produces, or is a cinematographer or an on-camera person.

So check out this job listing for Buzzfeed:

Responsibilities:

Conceive, write, shoot, edit, produce, and perform in videos for all of Buzzfeed BFF's social channels (Vine, Instagram, Facebook, Tumblr, Snapchat etc.)

Help other creatives on the team w/editing and shooting while also producing your own videos

Requirements:

3-5 years of proven experience creating compelling, shareable video content

High understanding of social media channels like Twitter, Facebook, Vine, Instagram, Snapchat, Tumblr

Proficiency with DSLR cameras, sound/lighting equipment, and editing suites

Adobe CS6 animation, stop motion skills and on set experience a plus

Creative, flexible thinker and collaborative worker.

Ability to work in small teams as well as go off on your own.

Ability to give and receive constructive criticism high emotional intelligence

A positive, curious, playful disposition (no haters)

It's the CS6 stuff that is boggling my mind. Also "editing suites" could mean they use FCP7 or Adobe Premiere or Avid. I'm sure there are people who know all three, but that means they don't know them well, unless they're a professional editor, who would never consider this job. PLUS animation and stop motion?!?! Plus camera proficiency and on-cam experience!

Just... wow. It's a young person's game, innit?

comments

Here's something weird!

2015-03-25T04:12:31Z

I was thinking about fanfic today and how I'd gotten this really great comment on one of my fics. And how I haven't written in over a year and have had no desire to, in fact, don't READ fanfic at all, ever, any more.

But that I'd kind of like to write some. Or maybe do a fanvid. So I opened up -- just for a quick peek -- at my fanfic documents. THERE ARE FINISHED FICS IN THERE.

What's that all about? FINISHED FICS. IN MY FILE. NEVER POSTED. Small fandoms, large fandoms... that is nuts. It just goes to show how my fanfic love just dropped off quickly and drastically when my life changed (depression lifted for a few months, husband and I separated, new man & love, bye-bye new man & broken heart, back to the depression, filling life with things I should be doing because I have to... endless major-depressive-disorder-treatment-resistant cycle).

So is it because I'm back in the depression that I want to write fanfic? Things have changed, a lot. Will never be the same. Maybe I can't even write anymore. Maybe I just want a creative writing outlet.

Thoughts? (Are we still on DW/LJ or has everyone moved to the meat space/Twitter/Tumblr?)

comments

Some OSCAR ranting, yay!

2015-02-22T06:18:17Z

I'm in the midst of an epic Oscar-watching/self-pity-party of epic proportions. Thus far I have made it through (or previously seen) the following:

Animated shorts: ALL

Regular shorts: ALL (I highly recommend "Parvaneh" and "The Phone Call")

Best Film:
Birdman
Boyhood
The Grand Budapest Hotel
The Imitation Game
Whiplash
Up next! Selma, Theory of Everything
Not gonna see! American Sniper

Others in various categories:
Foxcatcher
Into the Woods
Maleficent
Guardians of the Galaxy
Interstellar

What have I learned so far? Angry men are angry! Crazy men are crazy! Awkward men are awkward! Wimmins r purty.

I haven't seen a single documentary or foreign language film, in an unusual twist, for me.

So far, pulling for Birdman, which won't be surprising to people who know me and my love for theatre. Plus it was weird and wild and had unexpected stuff. I didn't like Boyhood all that much, or The Imitation Game, and Whiplash gave me PTSD. I adore The Grand Budapest Hotel.

Channing Tatum should/could have been nominated for Best Actor in Foxcatcher, but Steve Carrell mostly stands around in heavy makeup looking creepy, so I'm not sure that was worth it. (It's an interminable film, I don't recommend it although Tatum is truly fine as an actor in this, rather than just being FINE, period. I love Channing Tatum. He can take the money and run as far as I'm concerned. Screw the Oscars!)

Benny Cumberpatch is of course, a great actor, blah blah publicity machine, but I didn't buy him as Alan Turing because I have a picture of Turing in my head that he absolutely did not fit. And Keira Knightly was so grossly miscast as Joan I. Can't. Even. That she should also have a Supporting Actress nod is pretty silly. I think I was the most disappointed by this film, because the pain of Turing's life is sanitized away, and I don't think he would have done all that socializing with Joan and the other codebreakers. I could be wrong, I wasn't there.

I'm not the only one complaining about the hideousness of the underrepresentation of women AGAIN in this ridiculous awards season. I can't think about it too much or I will be really mad (AGAIN). You know the stats, 19 non-acting categories 149 men are nominated versus 35 women. Here's a bloody infographic! And so on. Each of the nominated films in the best film category are essentially ABOUT white men/boys (except Selma, which is about an event/place/time).

FEEL MY TWEETS #OSCARS.

comments

My imaginary real friends.

2015-01-23T21:18:37Z

This article in the Wash Post made me think of you guys. Yes, it's about paying for a service to text you as a fake boyfriend or girlfriend and I find that not as weird as I should... BUT it is much like our online communities, where we develop friendships with people we don't know and come to rely on them... (read through to THAT part, I'm not saying you guys aren't REAL).

I am also so grateful that I have met so many people through fandom's online portals. I've known some of you like, 10 years. Woo!

I have nothing to say really. 2015 hasn't been that great thus far. It's been a clusterfuck with major highs and major lows. I did produce and direct a one-act play and I will talk about that, because I think you'd be interested!

Otherwise, please tell me something fun and cool and say HI and stuff. I could use it.

comments

Update + a book

2014-12-12T17:37:23Z

Let me begin with the Citizenship Ceremony for my soon-to-officially be my ex-husband. I'm so glad I did this. For one, it was a kind of closure. We've been doing this immigration shit for as long as we've known each other (12 years +) and this is really a full-circle thing.

It was yet another reminder that our government is weird and that NY courthouses are really weird and don't run in logical ways. It wasn't that "ceremonial" and yet people were excited. The judge did this thing where she named all the countries represented and people raised their hand -- quite a few and a reminder of how diverse this nation is. She also talked about that, and she was kind of nice and I really liked her.

Former Mr A was VERY happy I was there. He knows morning isn't my best time, ha ha. And waiting in a separate, very chilly room for three hours while they did their secret "here's how to vote" or whatever, was slow torture. I took two naps, drank tons of coffee, read the NYTimes front to back (CIA Torture report, joy) and finished my book (see below). I was happy for him, and happy to be there for him.

We went out for a celebratory lunch after and had some champagne and some wine and it was really nice. I took a pic of him with his citizenship document and posted to Facebook and Instagram and so all the friends and family were happy. People who know about our split might have been confused and those who don't know were probably wondering why he suddenly popped up in my feeds. He was warm, kind, communicative. Conversation was easy. After, at a bar for one last, I said, "well, Saturday was AWFUL." And he said "Oh yeah. I know it's hard for you, it's hard for me, but I guess it had to be that way and now we will probably make better friends."

It meant a lot to me, you guys, because he's right. We had to get some anger out (the rest will come out in therapy or whatever), and now we can possibly, hopefully be friends/family. He's not a bad guy. I saw glimpses of the man I married (whew! For a minute there I thought I had the worst possible taste and married an asshole!)

Onward with the paperwork!

Okay, enough of that stuff (hilarity in dating stories later).

WHAT I READ:

I just finished The Stranger's Child by Alan Hollinghurst. You may know him from The Line of Beauty. He is often compared to Henry James and that is apt. He describes things with such an amazing eye for detail and everything comes alive. And hello, much gay subtext (and in Hollinghurst, sub and text).

No spoilers, but this book starts in the past and ends in the present and shows how stories are remembered, changed and hinted at. The most poignant secret may or may not be revealed, but you as the reader know it, and won't forget it. Different points of view lead to surprising revelations; a character you may like will be viewed as distasteful in another person's eyes. This gives things a multi-faceted view. However, time is condensed and a lot of "action" events happen off-screen, so you get a few disconcerting moments where you're thrust forward and unsure of what's happened until it's mentioned casually by a character. It fit well with the theme of the book as we're all trying to piece together the past with snippets of what's written and said and done.

Plus the gay kissing and sex and stuff. It's lovely.

comments

Divorce: not pretty, not at all.

2014-12-08T18:04:27Z

Good afternoon kinsmen.

It is done. Sort of. I met with the former Mr A on Saturday and told him face to face that I am moving on, getting a mediator and filing for divorce. It was a very difficult thing to do. But HE wasn't going to do it. His first reaction? "What do you want?" Not, "I can't believe it's come to this," or "It's so sad, but necessary," no... he wanted to know what I was going to try to take from him monetarily.

We were in a restaurant but I flipped out. I have issues - as you know - with feeling worthless, feeling unloved, and so on (see like, every post ever). I'm working on it. But that reaction really floored me. I said "I don't WANT anything, but I want to NOT be economically worse off than I am now." I don't want alimony unless it's advised by the mediator, I don't want to detract from his success. But I did set him up in his career, supported him for years, my family supported him for years, he is now a citizen of the US, and so on. I'm not trying to make a case here -- try not to argue with me please -- but I want to split easily and amicably and yet not make things much worse for myself since I AM basically unemployed and struggling and he is not. (Except he feels he is struggling because he thinks he is cursed, and is self-involved).

I said "what I really want is for you to have paid attention to our marriage and agreed to work in it." He said "what's done is done, what do you want?" Forcing me to feel as if I needed to give him a dollar number or something. Which wasn't the POINT. I had to repeat that all I intended to do was inform him in person that I was moving ahead with this. Oh boy, I lost my shit, was crying in the restaurant, trying not to shout -- poor waitstaff, so embarrassing.

He said "let's go get a drink." So we sat at a bar while he said nothing and we drank a million whiskeys. It's really the only way he can deal at all with anything. He has to be drunk. I swore I wasn't going to drink, was NOT going to sit at a bar and get drunk and weepy and I did anyway. I suck. He did apologize for his reaction. And he meant it. Then he talked about how he is his own worst enemy, he is cursed and this is just the way it is. (Um, okay if that's what you think, it certainly takes away any responsibility for your actions).

We stopped by his place - which is actually my best friend's place that he is renting. It's really nice, so hey, good for him. I cried some more, it was truly, actually, really painful. Then I left and curled into a ball on the subway for the entire ride home.

Two days later I still feel exhausted. Wrung out. My therapist (Dr K) reminds me that I'm going through a lot and it will be up and down. SIIIIIGH.

Mr A's US citizenship ceremony is Wednesday and I'll be in attendance - I've been supporting him in this pursuit and waiting for this "happy" day. Plus no one else is going to be there for him. His family will appreciate the pictures.

comments

Well that sucks.

2014-12-05T04:42:16Z

Yep. Want to post more. Gonna try. Miss fandom.

Today sucks. Mostly because I'm just overwhelmed with little things and cannot get my personal shit together. That pretty much sums it up!

I think the holiday season just sucks for a whole lot of people. I don't know why this is or what we can do to change it as a society. I'm sure there are people for whom it's an amazing and energy-producing time, but most people I know experience it as an exhausting, depressing, frantic time that leaves one in January completely deflated.

It also seems to be a time for people to dump their cats, and I had two dumped on me tonight. Former foster kittens, just absolutely joyful. They lost their home and then the new foster had a freakout and so they've been through hell. I hate this and it makes me hate people too. Poor Ricky and Finn! And they are just two too many cats for me to handle right now. :/

I'm deadly nervous about meeting a deadline tomorrow. More on that soon - kind of exciting stuff. But..

I'm having "the talk" with the former Mr A on Saturday evening re: time to get divorced for real. I want to scream and break things and fall deep into the negative head hole that says I'm unwanted, unlovable and will never be able to ask for EVEN less than I already do in a relationship and still, it's too much. This is nonsense, of course, the key how to stop feeling that way when every cell in your body is trained to do so.

If The Brit and I were still going strong, it would be easier - not easy, never that - but I would feel less like the reject bin of 45-year old women who are single, beautiful, and cannot get a man because single men in their 40's are a hodgepodge of self-indulged man-children who lack basic self-awareness. Or something. Obviously, I generalize and I JUST BEING ANGRY FOR THE SAKE OF IT.

Whew, feels good. Thanks DW/LJ for the therapy.

comments

Posty-post post

2014-12-03T19:14:17Z

Update on The Brit: attempt to be "friends," texting, some warmth, some weirdness... mostly fucked up shit that I shall cease blabbing about because it's complicated and hard and sometimes good but mostly just bad for me probably and I deserve better... SIGH.

So, would you like to hear more dating stories? YOU WOULD? Ha ha.

I hit up this guy on OKCupid who said up front that he was bisexual and polyamorous. I liked his profile. His ideal would be a closed loop relationship with a man and a woman. Think about it -- fanfic come to life! Me and TWO men. Maybe two men could make one actual man, since the men I've had in my life recently are basically half-men. *snarky snark snark*

Anyway, we met and he is a really lovely guy, very intelligent, well-traveled, free spirit but down to earth. Let us call him Tiq (add an a to the beginning and that's his name) -- since he converted to Sufism at some point and lived in tents in Hawaii or some such. I'm still curious as to what his original name is. He's a Chicago-born Brooklyn-raised Jew but lived in Hawaii and Sinai and Egypt and now takes care of his mother in Fort Greene. He is working on a documentary about the shooting of 16 year old Kimani Gray by police and the protests that followed (timely, no?). http://kimanifilm.com if you're interested.

He thinks his next journey will be to move to Costa Rica. He can make money anywhere by doing massage off the books. Fascinating? Yep. He's also really sweet. He's affectionate! We went hiking upstate, and that was nice. No sex yet, but it's a possibility. It was also amusing to be at a bar and the both of us were surreptitiously -- then openly -- checking out other guys. Unfortunately we don't have the same taste.

Anyway, he's been gone for over a week to see another girl in GA but is back today. Will keep you apprised.

I had this other date last week that was the polar opposite of Tiq. Tiq was part of Occupy Wall Street, etc., and this guy is a former Marine who fought in Bosnia and Iraq and watches Fox News. We differed on many things, the Ferguson case, for one. I mentioned my cats and he said "I HATE cats." I said, "didn't you read my PROFILE?" He said "no one reads profiles." UM YES THEY DO. He asked about my favorite movies (also on my profile) and so I showed him my list which is in my phone. He scrolled through saying "that sucked, didn't see that, that sucked, that sounds lame," which took me aback a bit. Date much?

We kept drinking because a) I was trying to forget about The Brit and b) I had to with this guy or I might have punched him and he was much bigger than me. I didn't call it quits early because I was kind of intrigued by his war stories. He was in Tikrit. So he got shot in Bosnia twice and seven times in Iraq just before being blown up by an IED. He was six weeks in a coma and woke up in Germany trying to kill his nurse. He has scars on his face and has had reconstructive surgery. He's not an idiot, but only graduated high school and has had no relationships to speak of because he's been like, doing wars and stuff. He said "does it bother you that I've killed people? They were really bad people." And "I'm really good at decimating villages." And "I have nightmares so if we sleep together I hope I don't wake up and kill you." Ha ha, what lolz.

He wanted to come in, he wanted to do me badly, and I was like "noooooo, please get your hands out of my pants. Seriously, get them out. I have cats remember? You hate them...." Etc. At the time I was buzzed and didn't mind the games and weirdness because it was better than sitting at home crying about The Brit. But I woke up early in the morning feeling hungover, vomiting and really really disgusted at the idea of such a bizarre, overall unpleasant date. Overnight he had sent me two links: one to a Ferguson thing which I didn't read, and another article called "Why You Should Always Sleep with Someone on a First Date." WHO DOES THAT?

Haven't heard from him since thank fuck.

DEAR OKCUPID DUDES: do not write "how r u i am mike" okay? Do not ask for my phone number and then text me once. Do not ask for my phone number and then sext me. Don't say your favorite movie is The Notebook. Seriously.

comments

More personal bananas shit about love life which is boring.

2014-11-22T20:21:23Z

I know my last post was full of angst, heartbreak and regret (and even more stuff), and I'm not even going to read it. The last few weeks have been full of angst, heartbreak and some relative optimism as I did end up talking to The Brit and we agreed to continue to be in one another's lives, etc. etc. and he said "don't worry, it will take time, but we will work everything out, you know I really, truly care about you."

Weeks of texting, some relief from the heartache... and last week we said "hey, let's text whatever we feel like or are feeling, and see how it goes for one week." I thought it was fine -- or at least, ok. I was mad at myself for perking up every time I got a text from him, and I continued to do what I knew I should NOT do -- helping him with his homework. Editing his papers, giving him courage and confidence on tough assignments, swooning over his selfies and lack of shaving for Movember. Not flirting, because that seems to be dangerous territory for him, and yet saying what I feel even if he doesn't respond in the same way.

He's coming through New York twice when he has his break - he said he'd "obviously" keep me apprised of his plans and the dates, but didn't say specifically that he wanted to see me, so HI mixed signals.

Then last night I scrolled through old OKCupid messages and saw that his profile was active again and I kind of lost it. I thought he was too busy with school, and wanted to be open to new friends there, and had difficulty with long-distance (though we aren't that far apart) but seeing that just made me realize he intends to do more than get his shit together, he's going to actively seek either instant gratification or a new girlfriend. And I am just a friend, perhaps, or obviously just not a priority.

I called him on it, he was upset. Not as upset as I was. The usual "I thought things were clear," which annoys me since HELLO you're a man, things are never clear because you can't articulate them. And yes in one sense they are clear, but in *another* they aren't really clear because he texts me every day as he always has.

I asked "what do you want from me." That's the crux of it. I told him "I can't be your friend." Because I can't! No can do, soldier. And I'm not going to be your NYC fuck buddy (to be crude), or your support system when you need it, or your homework helper... without some idea that we are more to each other. Because that's what I want. He can't just take and take and not expect that it's going to get complicated.

So I've been naive, I know. But I am REALLY trying hard not to beat myself up over it, because when you love someone, you believe what they say, then try to be patient with the confusion and mixed signals. Since we *met* on OKC, it was just really hard to see his face pop up in that circle -- and I am NOT going to look at his profile (he said, "if you've seen my profile, it says I'm not looking for anything serious" and I am thinking 'oh yeah, that helps A LOT.')

So. Here we are. He said we shouldn't make any decisions last night when I was blubbering on the phone. (God, I loathe myself). So I guess we are going to talk again, but I think unless he comes up with something really amazing, I have to cut off communication. He will act like he thinks it's best - probably pretend it's his idea - and so on. But I know (think) that it's gonna hurt him more than it will hurt me because I've been his connection and lifeline for so long. It will be painful for the rest of the year, maybe a bit longer, but I have a massive support system (HELLO I'M TALKING ABOUT YOU GUYS TOO), and eventually I'll feel better.

Eventually I'll feel better.

In other news, I've decided that a year is long enough for my soon-to-be ex-husband to get his shit together or say what he wants to *do* with our marriage, so I'm going to initiate the divorce after Thanksgiving. Happy Holidays, I'm getting divorced. Oh, and taking a chunk of alimony with me.

Eventually I'll feel better.

comments

Hell here.

2014-10-28T18:47:17Z

I missed Yuletide signups. I know, I know, it's stupid. executrix specifically watched out for me, and emailed me the dates and the link. But I was distracted last week and this weekend I went to Buffalo to see The Brit and everything was wonderful and beautiful and happy and then he said he didn't want to date me anymore (but we could still be lovers).

I cried. And cried. And regretted all the support I've given him, all the bits of my heart that I had left after my broken marriage, all the work I did to ensure that our long-distance connection allowed him enough time to get settled in Buffalo and succeed. I helped him with his homework over the weekend. I've never said we're "boyfriend/girlfriend" I have never asked him not to go, never expected him to text or call unless he felt like it, kept the lines of communication open.

He can't date me, he can't do long distance, he can't do whatever little it is that we're doing. He doesn't want me to move to Buffalo (although he's under the impression that he's asked me, but I'd remember that!), he says I have made it easy for him and I've done nothing wrong.

We were very close this weekend. I have been happy (with our relationship, not with my current situation of unemployment and career stalling and my ceiling falling in), but he has somehow not been happy. I offered to go to Buffalo more - every weekend, every other weekend, but he doesn't want that either. But he loves me, he says, and we are soulmates and I know him better than anyone ever has.

I missed something. Somewhere. I pushed too hard, or somehow "made" him agree to monogamy and to trying to continue long distance. "Long distance never works," we all know that. Which is why I didn't try to make it work, just loved him and lived my life and let him live his. I was completely satisfied, and it made my trips to Buffalo all the more exciting. I figured we'd eventually see other people, but I didn't expect it to be two months in. He says there's no one else; I know he spends most nights in his cottage with his dog, studying. He wants to be connected to New York City, because that's his dream - he's keeping his 917 number - but he doesn't want to be connected to ME in NYC, because he wants to focus on his life in Buffalo. He was making plans to come to NYC for Christmas to stay with me. Then he said we shouldn't date each other anymore. #confused

There's more.. so much more.. but at risk of boring my audience (I feel sure that I babbled incoherently to The Brit and bored the pants off him with my emotional breakdown and now I am suffering the shame of that)... I will stop.

I don't have Yuletide as a distraction either. Dammit. I do have another distraction: I made a date with my husband. (Ex, but we're still married). He's taking me to see Bill Maher at the Beacon. My therapist laughed his ass off and said that's exactly the thing to do... retreat to the place where you know you have a sense of safety (unhappy though it is).

My heart hurts, friends. Every bone in my body aches. I never thought I'd feel this way, and I never thought I'd be betrayed by someone who was so near and dear and who I consciously supported and tried to make happy.

There you have it.

comments

Sleepy Holla, what up girl?

2014-10-21T03:54:24Z

Sleepy Holla!

( Spoilers/Reax Episode 2.5 The Weeping Lady )
It's like they wrote this episode for ME.

comments

Another stupid question.

2014-10-21T02:54:41Z

Not to be daft, but does anyone know how to do photos here on Dreamwidth using photobucket, or Facebook, or well, anything?

"Upload photos" yields "no results found" on DW help/support.

So I go to the real knowledge base!

comments

I have questions - you might have answers. Or emoticons.

2014-10-18T16:56:19Z

1 - Who's watching SHIELD? So the new guy who was Xena's partner before she was killed (Hunter)... SHOT May and Skye, but then they weren't shot? Then the next episode they're all like "we don't like you, you shot us." But if they'd been shot wouldn't they'd be dead? Or at least, recovering from bullet wounds? Did he have a tranq gun that I missed? Why does this bother me so much?

2 - Caught a random episode of H5-O last night and where did Catherine go? Don't tell me she was fridged. So we're now at main male characters: 5, female characters: 1. Wha happened?

3 - Why is Sleepy Hollow so good this year? But also, Katrina is back in the real world but living in a cabin in the woods with the Horseman? Ichabod seems untroubled by this. Didn't he go crazy trying to get her out of purgatory? He's just cool with her playing "secret spy" on this plane? Does her cabin have indoor plumbing? Where does she get her groceries? What does she do in her idle time?

4 - Why is NCIS New Orleans so bad?

5 - Why am I still watching Criminal Minds when I have sworn over and over to stop? I thought the new girl "looked a lot like Jennifer Love-Hewitt" and guess what - it is. And she's kind of decent in the role. Who knew? Stop sucking me in, CM!

6 - Now that I've watched all of Green Wing, WHAT WILL I WATCH?

comments

But why does he have the shoes in the first place?

2014-10-14T19:32:03Z

Today, whilst surfing Craigslist for jobs, and pricing items that I need to sell for cash, I came across this lovely entry:

CHARLOTTE RUSSE Dress Shoes Black size 10 (so far, so good)

******************************************************************************************************
im going to make a unusual offer pleases be open minded on my options I'll give you (2) options on how you want to pay for The shoes option (1) I'll sell the shoes for $20 Cash or option (2) Let me eat you out for 10 minutes I'll give you the shoes or option (3) if you let me eat you out for an hour I'll give you the shoes and $100 for letting me eat you out an hour

I'm going to say: MISCATEGORIZED. Should be listed under something else, not the shoes for sale category. Hahahaha. And also, too bad I'm not a size 10 shoe. KIDDING.

Yes, I'm bored. Entertain me.

comments

American Horror Story: Freak Show (Something Special)

2014-10-14T05:05:33Z

So I love American Horror Story and yeah, it's not everyone's cuppa because it's very disturbing and pings all the horror story cliches, with added violence and sexuality and body horror and ... so on and so forth. A lot of it is downright unsettling.

As a horror genre fan, I get a kick out of the extrapolation on themes, and I absolutely adore the female-centric cast. (If you don't already know, each season is a new storyline using many of the same actors.) Jessica Lange gives a tour de force performance every week and I've never seen anything like it.

S4 is "Freak Show" and it delivers with the usual sadistic, horrific glee. I just went to YouTube to sift through interviews and promos and the like, after watching the Season Four premiere. So whether you watch it, or like it or hate it or whatever... here are some AMAZING interviews with cast members that are actual "freaks" and not the usual cast with CGI or prosthetics. They talk about being different and the same as everyone else and their stories are so incredibly moving. They are beautiful. [Interviews, nothing scarring herein].

ROSE SIGGINS
ERIKA ERVIN
JYOTI AMGE
BEN WOOLF
MAT FRASER

Much, much more interesting than your normal celebrity/actor promo interviews, amirite?

comments

Oh look a post

2014-10-06T18:00:17Z

Well, things aren't going great at the moment. Seasonal shift, I think that's hard on me. Physically and mentally. Mentally I've been feeling strained, like I might be losing some of the ground I gained. I still don't have a job (freelance or part-time only, nothing crazy), and The Brit is settled in Buffalo so all that fun stuff has come to a halt.

I'll just share with you my maudlin thoughts from yesterday (I know, you're excited right?). It was a gorgeous fall day and I was feeling like crawling into a hole. I racked my brain for people I could hit up on a moment's notice to do something with. Nada. The day before - Saturday - I had ample opportunity to spend time with pals right and left but I had an early shark week and was carved out, cut up, drawn and quartered. So it's Sunday and I'm crouched inside my Manhattan cave feeling alone and miserable. Then I make the mistake of going on Facebook. NOooooo. Pictures of people apple picking, for chrissakes. Couples declaring their love for one another. People talking about RUNNING.

What am I doing with my life. Why didn't I pick the white picket fence life. What do I think I'm contributing to society. Why do I choose men who can't emotionally engage or fully commit. Why can't I manage my money. Why am I so tired all the time and can't sleep at night. Why can't I focus on something useful.

ETC! You know the drill. Do not pass go do not collect 300 dollars.

How is your fall going?

comments

Is it just me?

2014-09-10T01:41:54Z

Is it just me, or has David Hewlett gone batshit crazy? His IMDB page lists some pretty sketchy stuff since SGA, but I remember thinking we all thought he was a great actor, really fun, we wanted to meet him or sleep with him or think about his ass all night long. And now, he's talking and doing thes selfie-vids, but I just can't listen because it's babble.

*sigh* All good things must end. Someday we will look at Benedict Cumberbatch and wonder how we ever thought he was cool because he's got meth face and is on his fifth wife and hasn't had a hit since 2019. Or whatever. Probably not. But you know what I mean.

"Is It Just Me?" is also the name of the book of one MIRANDA HART. (www.mirandahart.com) And if you don't know who she is and have not watched her comedy, "Miranda," well sir/madam, you are missing out. I am not even joking, it is the best thing ever. You will think "what?" when you start watching and then you will be helpless with laughter and love and stuff.

Here are shows that I have watched at least one episode of and do not recommend. You're welcome to try them for yourself, please do! But it's part of my ongoing evolution (and need to cancel cable, stat, because I have no money), that I do not find any of these shows remarkable in any way, even though I thought that I might.

If I should give something a closer look / another chance, do tell!

( Read more... )

comments

forecasting yuletide

2014-09-06T05:04:48Z

A fellow fanwriter asked me the other day if I was going to participate in Yuletide. The immediate answer was "no," and "what am I fannish about? Precisely nada."

But it would be a good writing exercise and I like getting involved in a fan-wide shindig of the writin' sort, so here are a few fandoms I would consider writing in (and conversely, reading someone else's fic in):

Ripper Street
Whitechapel
Miranda
Endeavour
Sleepy Hollow
Utopia
Hinterland
Shetland
Happy Valley
Fresh Meat
Peaky Blinders

Weird right? One US show, one. One I'm not sure about.

Tell me yours, oh great and powerful FLIST.

comments

RICHARD III with MARTIN FREEMAN: ticket for sale 9/10

2014-09-05T18:52:19Z

I cannot go to London after all, so I'm selling my ticket to Richard III with Mr Freeman.

PLEASE SHARE WITH ANYONE YOU KNOW WHO MIGHT WANT THIS TICKET!! Feel free to Boost the Signal.

I paid $128, so that's the asking price. You would be meeting up with a fellow Freeman fan for the ticket, and presumably sitting next to her. She's not just good people, she's the best, so don't worry.

It's in FIVE DAYS, so if interested, let me know. If you belong to a Freeman Fan community, please share there, too, or comment below with the name of the comm.

Thanks everyone!

comments